We The People Politics

The International Olympic Committee surprised the world today with the newest addition to the Olympic Games, scheduled to run as the last event in the “Games of the XXIX Olympiad.” The event: The 400-minute Deep Breathing Relay.

The relay is the first event of its kind, challenging competitors from around the globe to voraciously suck in and expel the harsh, unforgiving polluted air that surrounds the city and outlying regions of Beijing.

The event was originally introduced as an open challenge to all athletes already competing in the games, but the IOC felt that the athletes were already under enough stress with the Games starting tomorrow, the violation of human rights, protests from “Free Tibet” groups, the lack of freedom, and their lack of experience in both the sport and the air in densely polluted cities.

“It was quite a shock to us, since the only teams that really got the chance to train for the event were Kenya, with the lack of oxygen in those mountains, and China, since they kind of already live here,” said United States Olympic Committee chairman Peter V. Ueberroth. “We were completely taken by surprise, but we have assembled a fine team with fine lungs.”

Team USA consists of nine competitors and five alternates, with strong lungs that can withstand the pollution. The team, announced this morning, include musician Willy Nelson, golfer John Daly, two executives from Phillip Morris, Inc., three former coal miners, the ghost of Luciano Pavarotti, and both current presidential candidates, since they are already full of hot air.

“It’s really quite an honor,” team alternate John “Johnny Flame” Dimsdale said, his eyes glistening through the smoke radiating from the three burning cigarettes in his mouth. “I had a scare while training three days ago, after I burned my lips trying to inhale my car’s exhaust. Luckily, I’m just an alternate.”

Beijing released a press release earlier today regarding the relay, and the air quality in the capital city during the games, stating that “While Glorious People’s Republic of China assures that air is safe to breathe normally, this challenging event forces competitors to deeply inhale the pea-soup air around them - something we advise that spectators do not try to emulate.”

Emulation by sports fans has already caused quite a bit of controversy, as a 22-year-old Seattle resident, who remains nameless, forgot to exhale while attempting a pick-up game with his friends. Luckily, the hospital provided him with an oxygen mask, allowing the oxygen to lift both his blood-oxygen level and his spirits, albeit temporarily. His depression resulting from living in Seattle, unfortunately, was only lifted for the few minutes the precious oxygen was pulsing through his veins.

Another fan, practicing to make the Belgian Olympic squad, nearly died when he accidentally deeply inhaled a swarm of bees outside his employer’s factory/training facility. No word yet on whether this Belgian man has been released from the hospital, or made his country’s team.

The IOC reminds fans to tune into the games as they begin tomorrow, and asks fans to watch from the comfort of their homes, as an air quality alert is in effect from now until Al Gore arrives in China.