The stars were out this year at the “Bestminster Iams Eukanuba Chew-Toy Champion Kennel Club” Dog Show this year, and what a night it was to be a dog; the lights, the cameras, the treats…oh, the treats. However, a dark cloud hung over the dressing rooms in the back of the convention center, where accusations of cheating were passed around from pup to trainer, and the whispers and rumors from months and years ago were finally being probed. The results surprised everyone.

“I cannot believe the poodle breed would ever consider using performance-enhancers,” said Buddy Selig, President of the B.I.E.C.T.C.K.C. and Founder of their annual dog show. After years of rumors circling around the once-noble breed, poodles had gone from a beloved friend and water dog to a group of sassy prima-donnas loved only by the French, and other men in tight pants. These rumors were based in the idea that poodles were using performance-enhancing haircuts to guarantee a victory in the non-working group.

And so the research began. The club hired a third party to investigate the accusations, headed by none other than former Sen. George J. Mitchell. “”The illegal use of [performance-enhancers] poses a serious threat…,” Mitchell said, after publishing his report on the use of performance-enhancers late last year. “This threat must be dealt with in a timely manner, or else the canine community as a whole will suffer.”

“Discipline of [canines, trainers, handlers, others] identified in this report will be determined on a case-by-case basis,” said Selig, upon reading the Mitchell Report. “The criteria of what constitutes a performance-enhancer is still being debated.”

The rules behind dog shows are simple. Dogs first compete against members of their own breed for the chance to represent their breed in the show. Then, the breed winners competes against members of their group, and the winner goes on to the next level. There, the winners of each group for the title of “Best in Show,” the most coveted honor in all of dog-dom. Dogs are judged based on the particular qualities of the breed, and how well they fit into an ideal set of those qualities. Of course, these, for most dogs, are the natural qualities: size, gait, etc. Poodles, however, have taken the next step, and created an advantage that nature did not intend. They do so by getting their fur unnaturally cut into large, puffy masses that easily win over French judges, and other judges wearing tight tuxedo pants.

Brian McNamee, the handler/barber for the 3-time champion poodle “Balco,” and the dog’s owner Roger Clemenza are now under investigation, as the dog is being accused by the Mitchell report for having a performance-enhancing haircut. “These accusations are completely false,” said Clemenza. “My dog’s reputation will never recover from these malicious attacks on her beautiful coif.” After all of the investigations done, and all the months of rumors and attacks, the United States government decided to step in.Clearly, the issue of performance-enhancing haircuts is of such importance that it trumped earlier-scheduled talks about the solving the housing crisis, ending the War in Iraq, finding renewable energy solutions, pulling the economy out of recession, cutting spending, finding Osama bin Laden, ethics reform, strengthening American infrastructure, ending poverty, finding affordable healthcare solutions, and so on.

Experts on the poodle breed, barbers from all over the world, judges, and more were called to testify before the Congressional Hearings regarding Performance-Enhancement. There, they argued the statistics of the effects of a performance enhancing haircut: frilly, silly-looking, but overall leading to the appearance of a very large head. Some quoted the irritability associated with other performance-enhancers, and noted that “Balco,” the poodle in question, had both a poofy, large-looking head, and tended to lash out at anyone in range of her bark and bite. “That is a typical characteristic of poodles…,” said McNamee. “They are certainly not the nicest dogs, but the poof is a dead giveaway.” McNamee is arguing for immunity, saying that he has evidence of performance-enhancing haircuts, including hair clippers, receipts from barber’s visits, and a syringe full of Human Growth Hormone, which serves absolutely no purpose in these hearings.

As the debate rolls on over whether or not McNamee and Clemenza used performance-enhancing haircuts to help “Balco” win, dog lovers everywhere have seemingly lost faith in their beloved dog shows. Michael Vick, a former quarterback with the Atlanta Falcons and avid canine companion, said “How anyone could ever treat a dog with such disrespect as to shave it….it’s just inhumane.” We could not agree more.