The Following is a Public Health Service Announcement
The hype of swine flu (also known as H1N1 or the pig god’s final judgment) is alive and well in the media, and while it is important to protect oneself against this terrible virus, it is equally important to mention its more prevalent, more dangerous, yet lesser known cousins: proboscidean and asinian equine fever. These two debilitating diseases are approaching the code red, level five threat of national pandemics, as the majority of Americans suffer from them without ever recognizing the symptoms until it is simply too late.
Proboscidean fever, from the Latin “proboscis,” affects nearly 55 million people nationally, including such high-profile citizens as Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter and former president George W. Bush. The symptoms of this terrible illness, which is typically transmitted through radio waves and vindictiveness, include a detached sense of reality surrounded by violent mood swings. These mood swings are typically provoked by discussions of social programs, distribution of wealth and any discontent about American imperialism. While this disease is typically not fatal, it is said that William F. Buckley, founder of “The National Review,” suffered with this ailment since his days at Yale, and ultimately succumbed to it. This fever is a hybrid fever, stemming from a mixture of dogmatic religious fervor, denial of civil liberties and, of course, elephant flu.
Asinian equine fever, however, affects 72 million Americans and can be seen as the more current and devastating of the two diseases. It is believed that this illness is borne by donkeys and socialists, and is transmittable by reading The New York Times and filing income tax forms. This illness typically affects the socially and economically disadvantaged, but has been shown to affect the affluent as well, particularly those in Massachusetts and California, including actors Sean Penn and Ben Affleck, linguist Noam Chomsky, and political leaders Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama. This fever is known for striking without warning, most recently in the case of Sen. Arlen Specter, who, sadly, had just recently shaken off his case of proboscidean fever. Asinian equine fever is marked by a strong distaste for free markets, a penchant for raising taxes, and a broad delusion of idealism that affects basic decision-making.
Should you find someone affected by these illnesses, do not panic. These diseases, while harmful, are completely curable with consistent cognitive treatment. Some physicians and scholars note that drinking Purell seems to disinfect the affected persons, while others claim that a simple solution of Pop Rocks and cola will get the job done. Calmly explain to these individuals the importance of free markets and personal liberty, and make sure to take into consideration their mental state before passing judgment on their irrational statements. If you would like material to present to your affected loved ones, please contact the Libertarian Party at 2600 Virginia Avenue NW, Suite 200, Washington, D.C. 20037 or the Ludwig von Mises Institute at 518 West Magnolia Avenue · Auburn, Alabama 36832-4528.
